7 Steps to Take When Old Patterns Emerge
Patterns of behavior are often established in childhood and we revisit them as coping mechanisms. Patterns are the reactions we choose to situations or people in order to survive, to reduce stress around new ways of behaving, and to feel loved and accepted.
These childhood coping patterns are the behaviors we engage when mom gets mad, or dad freezes us out, or when our older sibling bullies, or when we feel judged. There is usually a thought that precedes the corresponding feeling. Our coping pattern is how we try to deal with the uncomfortable feeling, usually fear but we actually ignore it and focus instead on the idea or thought.
Patterns limit our energy and expression and typically restrict our sense of love.
If when I was little my dad froze me out or was unavailable, my coping behavior at the time can become the automatic behavior I engage to feel better in similar situations today. I told myself that I wasn’t important or worthy of his attention. This is the thought assessment. I then surmised that I was not loved, usually through the fear of losing dad’s love. This is the emotion I attached to my thought about his behavior. But the only way I know how to deal with the feeling of being unloved is through dealing with the thought itself. I try harder and harder to get through to dad. I give him lots of attention. I like what he likes. I do what he says. I become like him. This serves me as it results in me feeling better about myself because I now get some attention from dad. Because it works (even a little) I keep it as my ‘go to’ reaction when I feel unworthy or unseen.
If patterns are how we cope with uncomfortable assessments of someone else’s behavior, why are they a problem? As adults these unconscious patterns mostly stop serving us. Because of the stored emotions, we keep playing the pattern over and over – hoping to feel better without really addressing the feelings. Let’s say your boss freezes you out and routinely overlooks you. This situation, like the one from childhood has you pulling out whatever pattern you used to survive dad’s lack of availability. You work harder and harder to get noticed. Maybe you do things that don’t really serve you, but you can’t even think of doing things differently.
When we are able to step back from patterned responses to other’s actions without making the situation about us (as is the child’s way of interpreting the world), we are able to break down our behavior patterns. This is accomplished by not taking responsibility for what isn’t ours, and also dealing with the stored emotions that are. This process frees up energy to assist us to be present consciously and choose our responses in the moment.
Most patterns have emotions attached and these are the fuel that keep the patterned behaviors in place when in perceived similar situations.
They can feel rigid and we can feel hopeless. We know they aren’t working, but what do we do about it?
The best way I’ve found to change patterns of behavior is to analyze them. Going straight to the stored emotion is scary and because the emotion was stored initially at a young age, it is better to engage the thinking adult first.
Focus on your breath and in being fully present to yourself, breathing in and out. How does it feel to breathe in? Can you feel your belly expand? How does it feel to breathe out? Can you stay present to this for a few minutes?
Next spend some time with each of these questions.
Don’t rush this! By observing and not jumping to answer through ‘thinking’, you allow insight to arise into consciousness.
What part of this current situation isn’t working for me?
How am I reacting as I have in the past? What is my behavior toward this person or situation?
What part of my reaction pattern is driven by my thoughts and emotions? What do I tell myself about the situation and how do I feel about it?
What options might there be for a different outcome? (Remember, not responding is a valid option.)
What part of my patterned response doesn’t serve me? Am I willing to change this?
Of the feelings I’ve identified, what do I want to do with them? Can I sit with them and feel the charge of them release?
Lastly, I suggest using some ‘truths’ as a mantra while you find new ways of responding to similar situations/people.
I did the best I could when I was young to cope with a situation that wasn’t my fault, and probably not even about me.
I am no longer held by the belief that Dad thought I was not worthy of his attention.
I am safe to sit with my emotion about the loss I felt.
I am no longer in fear about a loss of another’s love.
Photo Credit: Rubberduck1951--3713510